


what we had was magic (is that why you disappeared?)

by minyoonslay



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Childhood Friends, Drinking, First Kisses, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, I'm Sorry, M/M, Mentioned BTS - Freeform, Mild Cursing, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, there's some background relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-02-15 18:38:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 11,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13037076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minyoonslay/pseuds/minyoonslay
Summary: Inside of Seungkwan's room, in a corner underneath his bed, lays a dusty old box. It's been forgotten after months of being there, but while cleaning one day, he'll find it, and all of the memories he tried so hard to forget will come back, one by one.Thing is, Hansol won't do the same.





	1. the box.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to my first ever ao3 fic!  
> read the warnings, please! i'm sorry if it's a spoiler but i really don't want anyone to read stuff they don't feel comfortable with  
> this fic is heavily inspired by [this](http://rottingdaisies.tumblr.com/post/132999965463/i-was-cleaning-my-room-last-week-you-know-what-i%20) post on tumblr (i'll link it at the last chapter if you all don't want to be spoiled though)  
> also, the title is from the song ["Smoke From Distant Fires"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDo7gZQkN2w) by Will Jay and Sonika Vaid

The end of April in Korea also meant spring cleaning, and Seungkwan decides that this would be the year that he’d deep clean his whole room for the upcoming season. He gets out of bed, slips into his biggest hoodie, and gets to work. 

He starts with easy things, such as taking the dishes he had piled up on top of his desk downstairs, cleaning them all off, changing the bedsheets, and tackling the huge pile of clothes in the corner of his room all while simultaneously trying to dance to the various girl group songs filtering through the small speaker he had connected to his phone. He thinks he saw Seokmin walking by his room and stifling a laugh a couple of minutes before, when he’d stubbed his toe against his bed while dancing to Ooh-Ahh. 

He goes all out and takes out the vacuum cleaner from where they had attempted to store it a couple of months back. He can feel his blonde hair sticking to his forehead as he awkwardly carries it back upstairs to where he’s working. He dumps it down unceremoniously on his bedroom floor and plugs it in.

Seungkwan is struggling to dance to Twice’s TT while vacuuming under his bed when he hears a hollow _thud_.

At first, he thinks he’s hit his wall and promptly starts freaking out, because he doesn’t have the money to pay for the repair and _oh my god, Jeonghan-hyung is going to murder me, and if he doesn’t, he’s gonna call Seungcheol-hyung and he’ll kill me instead, god knows hyung has him wrapped around his finger-_

His internal meltdown is stopped in its tracks as he leans down, and notices it’s a box. The hoodie-clad boy doesn’t recognize it at first, but as he pulls it out and reads the label on the top, he realizes what’s in it. 

_HANSOL_

He’s very adamant on opening it, and as he does, he can feel his eyes welling up with tears.

Inside the stupid, dusty box he had hid under his bed is every memory of his and Hansol’s relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come talk to me at my twitter: @minyoonslay


	2. i. the toy car

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for your complete understanding, the moon with dashes means time skip and the simple ones (those will be added later on) are for time skips in the same time frame, if it makes any sense haha

Sitting right on top of every other item in the box, almost innocently, is a small toy car. It’s red, with golden details, barely bigger than Seungkwan’s pinky finger.

\--- ☾ ---

_January 28th, 2004_

Seungkwan’s little 6-year old hands are bunched up in his mother’s loose pants, and his chubby cheeks are squished against her thighs as she speaks to the  woman standing right in front of her.

“I was thinking of signing him up to the kindergarten Hansol goes to, so he can learn a bit of english,” says his mom, but he barely pays any attention to her. Seungkwan is too busy trying to make himself invisible to the american-looking boy standing besides the unknown lady talking to his mom.

“Seungkwannie, come out and say hi to Hansol,” he feels the comforting brush of his mother’s fingers carding through his hair. He senses a little push against his back, and is then  face-to-face to the little boy he was trying to avoid just seconds ago.

Said boy smiles, showing a big toothy grin with a couple of teeth missing from it, and shoots out his hand, like Seungkwan saw adults doing in important parties. “I’m Hansol Vernon Choi! I heard you were going to school with me from now on!” he all but screams, and Seungkwan puts all of the concentration he has in his tiny body into not running away. He awkwardly shakes the boy’s cold hand, and quietly states “I’m Boo Seungkwan, it’s nice to meet you, Hansol.”

Apparently noticing the awkward silence that seemed to fall between both boys, Hansol’s mom puts a hand on her son’s shoulder and sweetly tells him “Sol, why don’t you show hyung your toy car?” before joining Mrs Boo to sit on the bench a few feet away and resuming whatever conversation they were having a few moments prior.

Seungkwan’s little head snaps toward her and back to the younger boy at an abnormally fast speed. He _loves_ cars.

Hansol lights up, and raises his hand to show a red toy car with golden details on it. Seungkwan doesn’t know what to do with himself. He remembers his mommy telling him to not touch things that aren’t his, but the toy car is just so cool, and he’s Hansol’s hyung, so he should be allowed, right?

Wrong.

As soon as he reaches toward the car, the hand holding it retreats just as fast as it had appeared.

And _listen_ , Seungkwan is 6 years old, _he’s a big boy now_ , but he can’t help his lower lip from wobbling. He just really wanted to play with it, sue him.

Hansol notices the first fat tear roll down the older’s chubby cheek, and his face quickly morphs from denial to guilt. He walks the short distance between them as fast as his little five-year-old legs can carry him, and tries to pat his back soothingly, even going as far as carding his fingers through his hair like he saw Seungkwan’s mommy doing earlier. It doesn’t seem to work. If anything, it seems to further agitate the little boy, and his sobs grow louder and more desperate.

Hansol doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t want to call his mommy in case he gets in trouble, so he racks his mind for ideas to calm the hysteric boy down.

Finally, he thrusts the little car back out, showing it to his hyung.

“Here, Seungkwan-hyung, you can play with it! You can even keep it, I don’t care!” The boy says desperately. This seems to calm the other down for at least a few seconds, and he distrustfully takes the toy from Hansol. His sobs have calmed down to little hiccups, and the younger can finally relax. He sits down next to the other, and tries to shoot Seungkwan a friendly smile. Soon, they’re talking like they’ve known each other for years, not less than an hour.

“It’s the fastest car in the world! It wins every race!” The younger explains excitedly while the other’s eyes go wide with amazement. “I have other cars at home, in every color, and they’re all _super_ fast!” Hansol is now waving his arms around in grand motions, and the elder lets out a giggle at the younger’s antics.

Hansol stands up, and offers his hand to Seungkwan, who takes it and stands up. They don’t let go of the other as they go back, talking animatedly while the younger explains how cool his kindergarten is, and how they’ll be the best of friends.

When Seungkwan gets back home, he puts the car on top of his nightstand, separated from the rest of his toys. It doesn’t move from its spot for at least a couple of years, until he transfers it to a box for safekeeping. He doesn’t know it at the time, but soon, it’ll be filled with memories of Hansol, and soon, it’ll be one of the only memories he has left of the boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! next chapter should be up sometime next week :)
> 
> come talk to me on twitter: @minyoonslay


	3. ii. the teddy bear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> before you read, i know many of you may be grieving because of jonghyun. i hope this chapter helps you get your mind off things, even if for a couple minutes. i don’t know what to say or do to make it better, but i can offer an ear to listen and my best try at advice. my twitter is always at the end of every chapter, and my my dms are always open for you all, no matter the situation. take care, everyone x

Seungkwan should know better than to keep rummaging through the box, but every red flag he has in his head is completely forgotten as he feels the soft fur of a teddy bear. It’s not very big, but probably the largest object inside the box. It’s brown, dressed in a small black tux.

The sight of the bear alone manages to force a choked sob from the boy’s lips. He also knows better than to squeeze the dumb teddy bears’ plush stomach, but it seems that he’s not thinking straight today.

He takes a deep shuddering breath as he presses its belly gently.

\--- ☾ ---

_July 26th, 2010._

Seungkwan can  _feel_  his bright yellow t-shirt sticking to the skin of his back thanks to the blistering heat, can almost _see_  his sneakers melting into the asphalt beneath them. Hansol isn’t much better, the tips of his brown bangs dripping with sweat, and his breathing coming out in short, laboured puffs. The walk to the local mall is only about 10 minutes, but the older boy feels as if it has been an eternity since they left Hansol’s house.

“Sol” he whines, “I think I’m gonna die.”

The younger of the two huffs out another breath, ignores the other boy and keeps on walking forward.

“ _Hansollie~_ ” the elder tries again, dragging the last syllable out for as long as he can without actually passing out. “Please buy your hyung some ice-cream,” Seungkwan says, even adding a pout, the Hansol-convincing technique he’s mastered in the last 6 years they’ve been friends.

“Really? You’re using the hyung card now?” Hansol asks incredulously, even though he’s already pulling out his wallet and walking to the nearest ice-cream store to fetch a cone of his best friend’s favorite ice cream flavor, mint chocolate chip, and a small cone of vanilla for himself. Seungkwan’s throws a grin his way when he gets his own treat, and smacks a noisy kiss on the younger’s cheek.

“Thank you, Sollie! You’re the bestest friend in the entire world!”

“I’m also one of your  _only_  friends, loser,” replies the other boy, although his words don’t have any real bite to them. There’s a barely noticeable but still very embarrassing blush coating Hansol’s cheeks and neck for the rest of the way to the mall, although, if you ask him, is because of the sun and not because he can still feel the ghost of Seungkwan’s lips on his skin.

\----

They get to the building a few minutes after that, when they’re both finishing up the desserts in their hands. The two teenagers walk into the mall, the air conditioned space instantly raising goosebumps on their skin.

They walk around for a while, entering a couple stores here and there, before the younger of the two hears his friend gasping. He turns around to see that Seungkwan has stopped dead in his tracks right in front of the brand new Build a Bear Workshop that had been opened the month before.

“Sol.” The elder says. Hansol has never seen him acting this serious. “We  _have_ to go in.”

The younger knows it’s useless to try and convince the other not to go in, and Seungkwan’s tone leaves no room for arguing. He sighs as he walks towards the toy store, the yellow-clad boy right beside him, almost skipping in joy.

The inside of the store is big and colorful. There are shelves stocked full of bears, clothes and accessories, from little dresses and ties to costumes of well-known characters. Children are roaming the store, their parents in tow.

Seungkwan looks like he could pass out. His eyes are opened so wide it’s almost comical, and he’s looking at every inch of the store as if he had to commit every single detail to memory.

_(Hansol finds it adorable. Just- don’t tell Seungkwan that.)_

What he doesn’t find adorable, however, are the prices on everything.

“Hyung, I don’t think we can afford any of this,” he tells the elder, who finally tears his eyes from the bright decorations to the prices attached to everything. He pouts as he scans his surroundings. “Let’s see how much money we’ve got, and we can maybe make one between the two of us?” Seungkwan asks, hopeful.

Hansol is a weak, weak person, especially for his best friend, and he takes out his wallet again. He’s got around twenty-five dollars in his wallet, but his mom had told him to not use it all up before he left his house. He tells this to his hyung, and Seungkwan tells him he’s got twenty dollars himself. Hansol decides they can give it a shot.

They choose the cheapest bear they can find: a little light-brown one. Hansol thinks the bear isn’t too special, but Seungkwan  _adores_ it.

They take it to the filling station  _(-or rather, Seungkwan does. He’s treating the bear like it’s his baby.)_  They pick out one of the little silk hearts that were placed in a box by the machine, give it a kiss (it was a wish, Seungkwan took it very seriously), and fill up the bear. Seungkwan looks a little sad that they can’t choose any scent or sounds for it, but as Hansol tells him to go pick out an outfit for the toy, he forgets all about them.

Hansol decides that he can take his mom’s anger just this one time, and asks the worker to wait a second while he decides on a sound for the bear. As he approaches the corner, he notices the little machine that lets him record his own message, and heads for that one.

Once he’s finished recording the message to perfection and stuffing the bear, he goes out to find Seungkwan. He finds him picking out a little tuxedo to dress their bear in. Hansol loves it. They both give it a pair of tiny sneakers for shoes, and head over towards the cash registers to pay for it.

The older boy decides to head off to make their bear a birth certificate, claiming that it was “their son”, and that they “needed evidence of their first born”. Hansol tells him he’s insane as a new layer of pink coats his cheeks. After Hansol pays for the bear, and goes out to look for Seungkwan. He finds him still located at the machine for the fake birth certificates.

“I don’t know what to name him, Sol,” he tells his best friend. He says it like not giving the bear a name could be a crime.

“What about Seungkwan Jr.?” answers Hansol, amused.

“We can’t! This is  _our_ child, not mine,” Seungkwan is pouting again. He jumps up in his seat as an idea hits him. “I know! Verkwan! It’s a mix of both of our names! It’s perfect!”

Hansol chuckles lightly, going along with his friend. “Verkwan seems like the perfect name, hyung. I love it.” He ignores how his cheeks are heating up again.

\----

Seungkwan walks the bear back to his house and looks elated when Hansol tells him to keep it. He tries to convince his best friend to switch the bear throughout the week, but the younger can look straight through his hyung and forces him to keep it.

“And- uh.. Just press its belly when you get home,” Hansol tells him, getting into his mom’s car, and leaving with a slight wave.

Seungkwan races back into his bedroom, and softly pushes the toy’s soft stomach.

Hansol’s voice comes out, albeit a little weird, but the boy can clearly hear it when it says _“Thank you for being my best friend, hyung! Let’s stay together forever!”_

\--- ☾ ---

And now Seungkwan is sobbing in his room, because he can’t listen to Hansol’s stupid voice without breaking down, because he misses the other boy,  _goddamnit._

 

Because even when they were foolish twelve-year olds making a fucking teddy bear, he knew exactly what to say and do to make him happy.

 

And now he’s gone, and Seungkwan just wishes he could hear his voice telling him he loved him one more time. Just so he can remember what being truly happy felt like again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really don’t love this chapter yikes idk, maybe i’ll rewrite it sometime but for now it’ll remain like this for now
> 
> my twt: @minyoonslay


	4. iii. the polaroid picture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone! i just wanted to let you all know that i might be stopping the updates in a couple of chapters. i'm currently visiting my family, and even though i can post, i'm too busy to write a lot, and the chapter i am currently on is also the longest of them all, so i wanted to make it right :)  
> however, we still have a couple of chapters before it, so don't be worried. i'll be back home mid january, so i'll be back to writing full time then.
> 
> enjoy!

If hearing Hansol’s voice wasn’t bad enough, the next object Seungkwan’s hand comes in contact with is a polaroid picture. Both him and Hansol are in it, all toothy grins and crinkly eyes. Seungkwan hugs the pink hoodie closer to him as he feels himself remembering the day it was taken. 

\--- ☾ ---

_ January 16th, 2013 _

It is Seungkwan’s 15th birthday, and Hansol was determined to make it unforgettable. He had planned to surprise him in his bedroom with a blanket fort, complete with little fairy lights, music, movies, and all kinds of food; he had organized it all about a month in advance, had asked for the help of all of his friend group for the surprise to go smoothly. 

Seokmin and Soonyoung were to keep his best friend busy all day, maybe going out and treating the birthday boy to eat somewhere. The rest of the boys were supposed to go over to Seungkwan’s house with food, blankets, pillows and all kinds of decor, and help him lay it out: Jisoo had brought over the remaining lights from his christmas tree; Jeonghan and Seungcheol were supposed to bring food and help serve it, but they had been flirting since they had gotten to Seungkwan’s house; Jihoon was busy making the perfect playlist; Hansol, Chan, Jun and Minghao were all building the most elaborate blanket fort they could while Mingyu and Wonwoo set up a projector and downloaded a bunch of movies to Hansol’s laptop.

Only when it was all set up, the food placed neatly in the ground, fairy lights decorating the top of the blanket fort, and movies ready to watch, all with soft calming music playing in the background, does Hansol feel a little less anxious. He had been stressing out to make the surprise perfect, even though everyone had reassured him many times that Seungkwan would love it.

The rest of the boys leave a couple of minutes before Hansol hears his best friend’s bellowing laughter from outside. He sits himself down inside of the blanket fort, where Seungkwan could easily see him from the door.

\----

Seungkwan comes into his house after an amazing day filled with birthday gifts, congratulations and quality time with his friends. He thinks to himself that it’s the best birthday he’s had as he goes up the stairs to his room after greeting his family.

And Seungkwan hears soft music playing from the inside of his room, and gets slightly confused. He thought he had turned off his music before leaving and his mom would’ve probabl-

He walks into the room to  what probably is the modern-day version of heaven. His whole bedroom is decorated, the scattered lights emitting a soft warm glow all around, he can smell chinese food from what appears to be a massive blanket fort in the middle of his room.

And sitting inside of it is his best friend.

“Happy birthday, hyung,” says Hansol, smile almost as warm as the light surrounding him. He’s dressed comfortably in pajamas, and his hair looks messy, almost as if he had been combing through it for a while. Seungkwan knows that’s one of his nervous habits, and feels his heart clenching just a bit more.

He doesn’t hesitate to launch himself towards the younger boy and hug him as close as humanly possible. He wraps his arms around his best friend, locking his legs at the ankles behind Hansol, burying his face in the soft skin where neck meets shoulder. He smells of fabric softener, and the room immediately feels more like home.

“What- when- how-,” stutters Seungkwan into Hansol's skin, amazed.

“It’s been on my mind for about a month now, I just wanted to make your birthday memorable,” his best friend replies. Seungkwan wonders what he did in his past life to deserve Hansol in this one.

\----

They spend the whole night in pajamas, watching movies, snacking on the food that was available, and talking about the world. At one point of the night, they find themselves talking about life and death. Seungkwan and Hansol both decide that both of their funerals will have a strict no-crying policy, since they both know that the other boy will be watching over them and waiting patiently until the other arrives.

Hansol later suggests taking a photo to remember that day. As if Seungkwan would forget this day in his lifetime. They do take the picture in the end. They smile as big as possible, wait for the _click_ and then the flash of the camera signalling that the picture has been taken, and then until it develops.

“I love it,” they both say at the same time, and chuckle afterwards. It could be the excitement flowing through his veins, but he thinks Hansol has never looked so beautiful before. His heart skips a beat, and that’s definitely not adrenaline he feels. Seungkwan decides it’s nothing to think about at that time, and he enjoys the rest of the night in company of his favorite person in the entire world.

\--- ☾ ---

And now Seungkwan wants to maybe karate kick his past self in the face, look at himself and tell himself that what he felt that night was love. That he was falling in love without plans of stopping. Wants to tell him that that night was the start of it all, but really, even now, he doesn’t know if he fell in love at six with a toy car or at twelve with a teddy bear or at fifteen with a picture. 

Maybe he was always in love with Hansol. 

Perhaps that same love is what broke him at 20.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> boy do i not like this chapter  
> come talk to me on twitter: @minyoonslay


	5. iv. the concert ticket

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year, everybody! enjoy the chapter x

The concert ticket is a delicate piece of paper that he had kept stored in the same dusty box he was holding in his arms at the moment. It isn’t an active reminder of Hansol in the fact that it doesn’t actually  _ contain  _ him, but it still hurts as much to remember that night.

\--- ☾ ---

_ November 15th, 2015 _

Everyone knew how stupidly in love Seungkwan and Hansol were with each other, and how fucking  _ oblivious  _ they both were to the other’s feelings. All of their friend group had tried and failed countless times to get them to finally admit it, because it was just  _ so tiring  _ to watch them skirt around each other for what seemed like forever.

It was also known that Hansol was weak to his best friend and would probably do anything for him. Really, how could Hansol not fall in love with the boy who helped an old ahjumma carry her groceries all the way back home when he was heading the other way? The younger boy thought it was unfair. He couldn't avoid it.

The third and last well-known fact was that Seungkwan admired the korean boy band by the name of Bangtan Sonyeondan, and that they were going to participate in that years’ Super Seoul Dream Concert.

Now, if you mixed these all together, you got both Hansol and Seungkwan spending unbelievable amounts of money on tickets for themselves and the other to see the famous band the older boy loved so much, and then evading inviting the other to the concert.

Their friends, however, were all tired of their constant avoidance to each other’s feelings, and that’s how Hansol and Seungkwan found themselves locked together in Junhui’s bedroom after being forced in there in one of the usual gatherings of their friend group.

“Let us out, you assholes!” the older boy beats his fists uselessly against the door, trying to make their friends let both of them out.

“Only when you both talk your thing out, Seungkwannie!” yells Mingyu through the door, clearly amused. The taller boy is currently  pushing against it to stop the couple from escaping.

“What the fuck are you talking about, you overgrown puppy?” asks Hansol, definitely more calm than his best friend, although he’s looking (and sounding) positively livid.

“What about the fact that you’re both  _ madly  _ in love with each other?  Hansol, We’re all fed up of you playing dumb,” says Wonwoo at the other side. He sounds tired. “Also,” he adds, a smile inching its way into his tone, “you should both talk about the Super Seoul concert coming up.”

This effectively stops Seungkwan’s frantic actions in their tracks, and now both boys stuck inside the room have tensed shoulders and have fallen into complete silence. The air gets thick with awkwardness as Seungkwan tries to get as far away from his best friend as possible.

After a few minutes of both of them not talking, Hansol awkwardly pipes up, rubbing the back of his neck and then running his fingers through his hair in a nervous manner, “I guess I’ll just... go ahead. I- uh…  _ god, this was supposed to go another way, I hate these fucking idiots so much _ \- I… I like you a lot, hyung,” he says after a short pause. “I was supposed to invite you to the Super Dream Concert, and I’ve got the tickets already, I was going to confess at the concert, but I understand if you don’t want to go with me any-”

The american boy is so focused on his rambling that he doesn’t notice his best friend striding his way towards him, putting both of his hands on his cheeks, and slotting their lips together in what was, for both of them, their first kiss. It’s clumsy, filled with bumping noses and clashing teeth and absolutely perfect. 

When they break apart, their cheeks are tinted a rosy pink, and their breaths come out in short puffs that make their chests bump together. Their eyes meet at the same time, and they meet halfway for another kiss. Then their third, and fourth, and fifth, and they both lose count after that. All they know is that their mouths melt together perfectly, and that when their friends open the door, slightly concerned by the lack of conversation behind the door, they find the two sharing a sweet kiss.

The moment is broken when Mingyu releases a shrill  _ (and very manly)  _ scream at the image, and the two boys part from each other and put as much space between them as fast as humanly possible.

“You guys! The plan finally worked!” Seungkwan barely hears Mingyu yell in the general direction of the living room, where the rest of their friends are, and seconds later, the rest of their friend group file into the room, overly excited. Hansol puts his arms around his  _ (boyfriend’s?)  _ waist and props his chin on the boy’s shoulder as Seungkwan tries not to blush too heavily.

“Jihoon, 20 bucks,” says Seungcheol, thrusting his hand palm side up towards the smaller boy in victory. The smaller one simply huffs out a breath and reluctantly pays his friend. 

“You guys bet on us? Unbelievable,” Seungkwan says, letting out a little laugh, feeling Hansol’s chest pressed against his back, warm and comforting.

“Of course we did,” says Jihoon, “Me and Seungcheol bet that you guys would at least kiss, and Seokmin and Soonyoung had bet a while back that you’d both buy concert tickets for each other, which, needless to say, you did.”

At this, Hansol grabs Seungkwan by the waist and turns in his arms to look at him, confused. 

“You bought me one, too?” he asks, grinning.

Seungkwan feels himself blush again as he nods, “Yeah, one for me and one for you. Guess I’ll have to sell them somewhere.”

Hansol plants a peck on his cheek happily and brings their bodies together once more.

\----

_ December 12th, 2015. _

The concert venue is  _ huge _ . Seungkwan is dressed in his favorite Taehyung t-shirt and  black skinny jeans that, according to Minghao,  _ “make your ass look like a masterpiece” _ . Hansol is dressed in simple blue jeans and a ripped band shirt that shows off his toned arms nicely. Seungkwan is trying really,  _ really  _ hard not to drool at the sight.

Seungkwan buys himself his own lightstick, and carries it everywhere in his hand, waving it around with enthusiasm. Hansol is content just watching his boyfriend be excited, and he tries to sing along to the songs he knew mostly well, much to the older boy’s amusement.

When the lights dim, Seungkwan screams with new-found energy, and Hansol simply watches as the seven boys come out on stage and present themselves. 

The concert is great. The boys have a lot of talent, and the fact Seungkwan looks so happy singing animatedly and trying to follow the steps of the complicated dances makes it all better.

During “Miss Right”, Seungkwan calms down for a bit, and Hansol takes the chance to wrap his arms around his boyfriend and sways him gently, occasionally pecking the older’s cheek or neck and smiling when the boy turns his head to meet the other in a short kiss.

\----

When they exit the venue, they take the bus back to Seungkwan’s house, and after saying their goodbyes, Hansol rides the bus back to his own house.

\--- ☾ ---

And some days, Seungkwan will open the box where the lightstick is stored, will take it out and turn it on, with the stupid false hope that the light coming from it will be enough for Hansol to notice him, that he misses him, hoping that it’ll guide the boy back home, to Seungkwan.

He always shuts the box and puts it back in its place on his shelf with a knot in his throat and tears on his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a chapter until i run out, rip. i'll keep you posted on twitter (most probably hehe)  
> take care, and come yell at my twitter: @minyoonslay


	6. v. the ping-pong ball

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh late update, i'm so sorry!!  
> anyway, i'm back home, so i'm writing the next chapter as fast as i can for you guys, i hope i'll have it ready for next week hehe  
> for now though, enjoy!

The next object that comes out of the box and into Seungkwan’s shaking hand is a ping-pong ball, with a smudged smiley face drawn on it. Seungkwan wants to throw it across the room, into the trash can, burn it, just get rid of it. He  _ hates _ it.

It marks the beginning of the end.

\--- ☾ ---

_ September 23rd, 2017. _

Seungkwan wakes up disoriented, with a dry mouth and a pounding headache. He remembers attending a party the night before with his boyfriend, and drinking a little too much. His memories of the night start blurring after the first cups of beer, and completely black out after the first shot he had.

He can vaguely remember arriving to the party, and then dragging Hansol to the dance floor, and both of them moving their bodies together to the beat of the music. He also remembers them forming a team for beer pong, and drawing a smiley face on their ping-pong ball for good luck. After that, he can remember laughing loudly (probably at one of Seokmin or Wonwoo’s stupid jokes, they get even worse the more they drink), drinking enough beer for it not to be considered even remotely healthy, and after that, picking up a few shots of vodka Jihoon had served for them. He can guess Jisoo took the role of the designated driver again, and left the boys safely back home, as he’s tucked safely inside his own bed with his boyfriend next to him, curled up, and he tries not to wake him up as he drags himself out of bed to search for aspirin and some water.

He’s in the bathroom ruffling through the cabinets when he hears a soft “Seungkwan?” before he hears rushed footsteps, and in a second, Hansol opens the door to the bathroom, kneels in front of the toilet, and empties his stomach.

Seungkwan crouches next to his boyfriend and runs his hands through his hair, chuckling quietly. 

“How much did you have to drink yesterday?” he says lightly.

Hansol groans. “I had much less than you, I took care of your drunk ass for half of the night,” he replies.

Seungkwan stands up and heads to the sink, where his and Hansol’s toothbrushes are stored. The younger boy had kept one at Seungkwan’s house since they were children, and vice-versa. They had spent the night at the other’s house too many times to bother carrying a toothbrush back and forth every time.

He wets Hansol’s toothbrush, puts some toothpaste on it, and gives it to him. They both brush their teeth at the same time, looking at each other and making funny faces in the mirror. 

After they’ve both finished rinsing their teeth, Seungkwan asks Hansol if he’d like an aspirin.

“You must have a headache if you’re puking like that,” he says to the younger boy.

“Actually, I did, but it went away with the vomiting,” Hansol answers, pecking his boyfriend’s cheek quickly.

Seungkwan nods, takes an aspirin for himself, and they both head downstairs. Hansol greets Seungkwan’s mom with a hug as she gives him a plate stacked with pancakes. The american boy drenches them in maple syrup, much to the other’s discontent.

They eat in a comfortable silence, holding hands underneath the table as they both chew slowly.

\---- 

It isn’t until later, when Seungkwan and Hansol are cleaning out the room and their clothes from the night before when the older boy finds the ping-pong ball with the happy face still drawn on it. Seungkwan laughs at it before storing it in one of his bedside drawers.

 

\--- ☾ ---

 

He should have known. Seungkwan should have been worried from the very first symptom, but he was so young and stupid that he’d completely looked over it.

When he realized, it was already too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's such a filler,,,  
> come yell at me on twt: @minyoonslay


	7. vi. the red rose petals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back!  
> this chapter took me so long to write but i'm pretty happy with how it turned out, so i hope you all enjoy!  
> by the way, i appreciate your comments and kudos so much, it makes me really happy to know people are liking my story so far♡  
> see you next week!

The bottom of the box is lined with dried red petals that once belonged to a beautiful bouquet of roses that Hansol had bought for him.

\--- ☾ ---

_November 15th, 2017._

_20:24_

Seungkwan slips into his shoes as he finishes getting ready for a night out with his boyfriend. He and Hansol have been talking about going on a dinner date for about a week now, and when they had finally found a time and place that fit into both of their busy schedules, they’d jumped at the opportunity to finally spend quality time together.

The boys  had decided to go all in, to dress up and play fancy for just a night. They had reserved a table at their favorite expensive italian restaurant, polished their best shoes, and even went the extra mile to rent out suits to wear that night.

The older boy rushes to the door as soon as the doorbell rings, unlocking it quickly to the image of Hansol waiting outside in a tux, holding a beautiful bouquet of red roses in his hands.

Seungkwan barely has the time to smile back at his boyfriend before Hansol’s eyes are rolling back in his head and he’s falling forward to the floor.

“HANSOL!”

\----

_20:25_

Seungkwan dials 119 as fast as he can, laying Hansol’s head on his thighs as the lady at the other side asks for the details about their location and what had happened. His boyfriend hasn’t woken up since he had crashed, his body still unmobile. Seungkwan can feel his hand shaking as the lady instructs him to put it under the other’s nose to check if he was still breathing. His voice trembles as he tells the lady that he is and she assures him that help is on the way, and after that, hangs up.

Now minutes feel like hours as the ambulance finally gets to Seungkwan’s house and the people barge into the room through the still open door, lift Hansol into a stretcher and get him into the car.

As Seungkwan attempts to get inside, he gets stopped.

“I’m sorry, but only parents of the patient can ride with them. You’ll have to ride your own car or call a taxi. Again, I’m so sorry.” The nurse explains, already getting into the vehicle and closing the door behind her. They speed off within seconds, leaving the boy alone.

And Seungkwan is shaking again, his eyes wet with unshed tears as he takes out his phone again to call Hansol’s mom, sobs finally racking his body as she tells him with that honey-sweet voice dripping concern that she’ll pick him up, that everything would be okay.

Seungkwan wishes it were true.

\----

_20:37_

The ride to the hospital is quiet except for Seungkwan’s occasional sniffles. Mrs. Choi had found him sobbing in the same place he had been when Hansol was there, picked him up, hugged him tight, and told him countless times that it would be just fine. He had called his mom on the way to the hospital to tell that he wouldn’t be home for the next few hours, explaining the situation all while willing his hands to stop shaking for a moment.

Seungkwan gets out of the car as soon as he can, already itching to see his boyfriend smiling back at him, holding his hand and telling him that he’s okay, that it had just been an accident, maybe that his busy schedule at college was just too much and that he needed a break, that nothing is wrong with him.

But he spends more than two hours on an uncomfortable plastic chair, looking at the white walls and breathing in the sterile-clean smell of the hospital before a doctor comes out, looking sullen as he kindly introduces himself as Lee Jong Hak. He’s a tall, thin man, and the only evidence of his age are the white streaks on his otherwise jet black hair. Standing under the bright artificial lights of the hospital, however, Seungkwan can notice that his cheeks sunken in and that there are bags under his eyes. He thinks for a moment that it must be stressful to spend all day giving bad news before he stops himself. Dr. Lee isn’t giving him any bad news today.

But he does.

He tells Seungkwan and Mrs. Choi that he’d ran a CT scan, and an MRI, and his diagnosis was  _Malignant neoplasm_ , followed by _grade four astrocytoma,_ and Seungkwan stopped the doctor from even mouthing the words _brain tumor_.

 _Cancer_. Hansol has _cancer_.

_21:10_

Seungwan walks into the hospital room a couple of minutes later, as soon as he deems himself good enough to do so.

He sits in the chair next to where his boyfriend lays, asleep, and he can’t help himself as he holds his hand and new sob racks through his body, because his best friend, his boyfriend, _the love of his fucking life_ , was going to die, and he couldn’t do anything about it. The elder falls asleep running his fingers through the other’s hair, muttering promises about how he’s going to _fix it, Sollie,_ and _it’ll be okay, we’ll be just fine._

\----

_November 16th, 2017._

_7:27_

Seungkwan wakes up to a hand carding gently through his hair. He looks up  from where he had fallen asleep to find Hansol looking at him worriedly. He takes the time to slowly scan his surroundings, as he can’t bring himself to look at his boyfriend right now. He can see Mrs.Choi in the recliner in the corner of the room, still asleep.

The room is open, with the bed right in the middle of it, surrounded by machines that beep following Hansol’s heart, measure his breathing, and an IV that’s connected to his right arm. There’s a flat-screen TV mounted on the wall in front of the bed, with a table and chairs all around it. The recliner sits at the far right corner of the room, right in front of another table, this one much smaller than the other. A door next to the one you enter the room with leads towards the bathroom. There’s a window in the wall at the far end of the room, and it’s all so white and sterile and _dead_ that Seungkwan feels sick just looking at it.

“Hyung, your face is swollen. What happened?” Hansol’s voice is raspy, and he’s rubbing the tips of his fingers at the corners of Seungkwan’s eye, almost as if trying to wipe away tears that aren’t there anymore. The older boy can’t get himself to answer the other’s question, so he forces himself to swallow the knot forming in his throat to smile at his boyfriend and push the button to call the doctor to the room. Mrs. Choi wakes up just as Dr. Lee enters the room a few minutes later. Hansol seems lost.

Seungkwan readies himself and holds the other’s hand tightly as the doctor tells Hansol that there’s a mass growing inside his brain, that his own body is conspiring against him.

What he’s not ready for, however, is when the doctor starts to talk about treatments, symptoms, and life expectancy. He can feel the hand clutched in his going stiff as Dr. Lee tells them that he can decide his own treatment, from steroids and painkillers to chemotherapy, because he’s over sixteen. Seungkwan tightens his hold on Hansol’s hand when the doctor tells them that the average life expectancy is about four to five months without treatment. He thinks that it’s fine, that they’ve got time, especially since Hansol’s going to get treatment and he’s going to get better. He has to get better.

He’s stuck in his thoughts until Dr. Lee’s voice interrupts them with a _according to the tests, you’re approximately on month 2._

Two months. Three, at best. Seungkwan has less than half a year with the person he thought he’d spend the rest of his life with.

_\--- ☾ ---_

He'd had tried so hard to keep the roses alive. He’d water them every day, kept them on a vase on Hansol’s hospital room.

But eventually, the roses, just like everything in life, had withered away and died. He couldn’t do anything to save them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we go, now is where things start to go downhill
> 
> come yell at me on twitter or cc, @minyoonslay on both


	8. vii. month one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh i'm so sorry for the wait!! i've been super bad at writing these days :(  
> either way, enjoy the chapter! i'll try to have the next one done by next week

▶ _week one_

_November 5th, 2017._

_10:23_

Seungkwan leaves Hansol’s side for the first time since his boyfriend was admitted to the hospital to call his mom and tell her, and between tears from both sides she assures him that she’ll be there sometime that weekend to visit his boyfriend.

Seungkwan can’t trust himself to actually tell their friends through the phone, can’t think he could take their concerned tones and breaking voices.

He opens their group chat with shaking hands, trying to find the words to tell them all.

guys somethings wrogn<

 **> JEONGHAN: **what’s wrong boo??

 **> SEUNGCHEOL: **are you okay?? are you safe??

 **> SOONYOUNG:** whose ass am i kicking (ง •̀_•́)ง

hansols hurt<

hes in the hospital<

 **> MINGYU: **what did the idiot do this time

 **> SOONYOUNG:** (*ノ_<*)

 **> WONWOO:** hey

 **> WONWOO:** be nice

we were going to go out for our date and he just collapsed and he wasnt waking up<

i called 911 and they brought him here<

 **> JOSHUA:** he was saying his head hurt the other day, i didn’t think it was that bad

 **> JIHOON: **wait i just got here what happened is he okay

 **> JEONGHAN:** he’s been too focused on school, me and seungcheol have told him to eat more smh

 **> JUNHUI:** did they run any tests?? is he getting treatment??

they did but<

guys hes not going to get better<

 

 **> CHAN:** wym hyung? Whats wrong??

 **> WONWOO:** ^

they ran tests and he<

hes got cancer<

hes going to die<

_(seen by 11)_

**> SEOKMIN:** don’t joke around like that i thought something really happened

im seious<

 **> JEONGHAN:** i don’t think he’s joking seok

im not<

 **> JIHOON:** shit, where are you guys?? I’m geting dressed

were at severance<

[address attached]<

 **> SEUNGCHEOL:** jeonghan’s putting on his shoes we’ll be there in 15

 **> MINGYU:** does anyone need me to pick them up

 **> MINGHAO:** jun’s taking me and chan, he was around

 **> WONWOO:** gyu i’ll meet you outside the convenience store i’m gonna buy some things

 **> MINGYU:** alright see you there

 **> SEOKMIN:** soonyoung i found an uber i’m on the way to yours

 **> SOONYOUNG:** okay thanks

 **> JOSHUA:** i’m meeting jihoon at the subway station

 **> JOSHUA:** stay put seungkwannie we’ll be there soon

they said three months at best<

guys i dont know what to do<

 **> SEUNGCHEOL**: for now all you have to do is stay safe kwan we can figure it out when we’re all there

\----

Seungkwan is still sitting outside of Hansol’s room when everyone starts getting to the hospital. The younger had fallen asleep after Dr. Lee had handed him a concerning amount of pills, claiming that they would make Hansol’s headache go away. He’d fallen asleep a couple of minutes after swallowing them all down.

“Kwannie!” he turns his head around at the sound of Jeonghan’s voice, and he sees him rushing towards where he’s sitting, Seungcheol hot on his tail.

The younger boy springs to his feet and falls limply into his hyung’s arms. Jeonghan’s dressed in sweatpants and a shirt a few sizes too big on his frame, probably Seungcheol’s, but the younger can’t care about that as he buries his head in it and breathes the familiar scent in. It’s a nice change from the still air of the hospital. He can feel Jeonghan’s arms around him, and seconds later Seungcheol’s hugging both of them tight as all three of them break all over again. Seungkwan bunches his hands on the soft material of the shirt as he feels Jeonghan’s shoulders shaking.

Soonyoung and Seokmin are the next ones to show up. Seungkwan doesn’t comment on how Soonyoung’s eyes are rimmed red. They both ask how Hansol is, and Seungkwan tells them that he’s okay for now, a bit loopy on the medicine they gave him earlier.

After them come Junhui, Minghao, and Chan, the eldest holding Minghao close to his chest as his boyfriend’s shoulders shake in their embrace. As they wait for the rest of the boys to get to the hospital, Junhui occasionally deposits a peck on Minghao’s head, or intertwines their fingers together, never letting the younger of the two out of his arms.

Mingyu and Wonwoo arrive with bags on their hands, and as they get closer, Wonwoo just says “I figured we’d all be here for a while, so I got us kimbap and some instant ramen we can all eat, some water and other drinks.” There are also a couple of bags of snacks, and a few chocolate bars. Hansol’s favorites.

A few minutes later, there’s a disruption at the end of the hall, and the boys can all hear Jihoon’s scratchy voice, worn out -from tears, maybe,- screaming _“My best friend is in there! He’s dying! I don’t care how many people are already here! He’s my family! Josh, let me go!”_

They all rush towards the reception desk, where a man is trying to talk to Jihhon, probably to get him to calm down, but he isn’t stopping, his voice still loud, until he turns his head and  notices the rest of their friend group standing there. It’s as if the image of the rest of them drains the fight out of the smaller man, and he breaks down in heart-wrenching sobs. Soonyoung is the first to reach out to him, bringing him into his arms and sitting down on a chair, Jihoon on his lap, while the latter simply cries and punches weakly at Soonyoung’s chest.

Jeonghan manages to talk to the receptionist at the desk and convinces him to let them all in, with the agreement that they will not bother any other patient. They all walk back towards Hansol’s room, and quietly slip in after knocking softly.

Hansol is apparently still asleep, his body lying still and ghostly pale in the white hospital sheets. He looks so frail laying in the bed that Seungkwan has to force himself to swallow the knot that has seemed to lodged itself in his throat. Minghao has buried his face into Junhui’s sweater again, and Seungcheol is rubbing his thumb against Jeonghan’s hand, Soonyoung and Jihoon are sitting in the corner, in the same position they were in at the hospital reception. Wonwoo and Mingyu are whispering things to each other in the corner opposite to the one where the now empty recliner sits (Mrs. Choi had left to pick up Hansol’s younger sister, Sofia, from school the day before, and was now taking care of her at home), and Seokmin is sitting in front of Hansol along with Joshua and Chan.

Everyone has someone to take care of them, their own friend or significant other to support them. Seungkwan wonders who would be his once the inevitable happened.

\----

_November 7th, 2017_

_19:32_

The first few days of Hansol in the hospital had consisted of multiple tests, even more pills and conversations late at night and early in the mornings and every single day with Dr. Lee about treatment, from chemotherapy to surgery and everything in between. The older man had told him that because Hansol was over sixteen, he was legally able to decide which treatment he wanted to take, if he were to have treatment. Hansol hadn’t chosen yet.

Seungkwan walks the now familiar path through the hospital hallways all the way to Hansol’s room with take away he had previously bought. Cheeseburgers, from Hansol’s favorite place. He unceremoniously drops the bag on his boyfriend’s lap after getting into the room.

“I got us cheeseburgers from the place you like,” he looks up from where he was setting up the table to look at his boyfriend, who was too focused on looking through the bag of food to talk back to him.

“Seungkwan, I gotta talk to you,” Hansol says, removing his hands from inside the bag and running them through his hair instead.

Seungkwan puts down the plastic plate he was holding. “What’s wrong, Sol?” he moves the table away to sit next to his boyfriend and reassuringly run his hand over Hansol’s thigh.

“Remember Dr. Lee told us I could choose treatment?” he starts. “I think I chose what I want to do.”

“Did you?” Seungkwan feels Hansol’s hand look for his, and he lets his boyfriend intertwine their fingers, probably to calm himself down, but he doesn’t know how much of a reassurance his hand can be when he’s shaking so bad.

“Radiation therapy, hyung,” Hansol continues. “But I’m- I don’t have a lot of hope”

“What do you mean, Hansol?” Seungkwan’s hands are shaking even more violently now.

“I don’t-” Hansol swallows drily. “I don’t know how much it’ll help, Kwannie.”

“Of course it’ll help, Hansol,” Seungkwan’s voice is strained and turns higher as he feels himself getting more and more nervous, his lungs contracting without expanding back again, and he feels like he can't breathe well. “You’re going to get treated, and it’ll be gone in a few months, or- I don’t know- maybe a couple years, but it’ll be gone, Sol-”

“Hyung-”

“And after it’s gone we can go back to normal and we’ll-”

“Seungkwan-”

“We’ll be just fine, we’ll build our life because you’re not going to die, you’re so strong and you’ll hold on, for me and for your family and for the rest of the guys because we can’t live without you and- oh god- Sol- you can’t die-”

Hansol’s shifts his hand so their fingers are even more tightly intertwined, Seungkwan's shaking hand in Hansol’s pale one as the elder lets his head fall on top of them, clenching his quivering jaw and trying to stop the flow of tears that fall from his eyes.

“Shh.. It’s fine Boo, hey- look at me,” Seungkwan raises his head, tear streaks painting his cheeks an ugly, blotchy red, shoulders shuddering with every labored breath, “You’re going to be okay, Seungkwan, even if I’m not, it’s all going to be fine, I need you to stay strong for me, okay? I’ll be strong for you and you’ll do it for me, even when i’m not here anymore. You’re going to wake up everyday and smile and you’ll be just fine. I’ll look after you no matter where I am. Promise me that, will you?”

“I promise.”

\--- ☾ ---

If only Hansol could see him now.

_I’m so sorry, Sol. I broke your promise._

▶ _week two_

_November 16th, 2017._

_3:28_

It’s the third time this week that Seungkwan wakes up in the middle of the night to Hansol’s screaming. The first time, he had been scared shitless and had immediately pressed the button right next to Hansol’s bed to call a nurse while Hansol thrashed around in his bed, his voice going hoarse.

Now he wakes Hansol up as delicately as he can, resting a hand on his shoulder while the other boy finally comes to his senses and starts crying.

“What’s wrong, Sollie?” Seungkwan says softly. “Head hurt too much?”

“It’s just-” Hansol hiccups, “so bad, hyung.”

Seungkwan doesn’t know what to do, can’t help take Hansol’s pain off of him, can only whisper reassuringly into his ear, offer his support, but he can’t help. He can only stay next to him until Hansol’s cries turn into whimpers he’ll later call pathetic, when his brain doesn’t feel like it’s pounding against the inside his skull.

And that's what he'll do. He'll stay and watch as his boyfriend fades away.

▶ _week three_

_November 22, 2017._

_18:40_

Hansol asked the boys to visit him on the day of Jihoon’s birthday, even if it was just for a few minutes. Seungkwan knew the boy felt guilty for not being able to participate on the surprise they all had planned for the birthday boy. 

To the younger boy, they had spent a couple of hours inside the hospital room before he had fell asleep, exhausted. Seungkwan doesn't tell Hansol that they had stayed for another hour or so more before leaving, discussing the sleeping boy's condition. He doen't talk about the tight lines of their friends mouths as they all said goodbye to him, probably heading to a club of sorts to finish celebrating. He falls asleep a few hours later right on the same chair he has been in for almost a month.

▶ _week four_

_November 28th, 2017._

_19:54_

“Sol, what are you doing up? You know you have to go to sleep,” Seungkwan has just walked out of the bathroom in Hansol’s room after brushing his teeth and changing into his pajamas, and was on his way to his bed (he had begged to have one inside Hansol’s room), hoping his boyfriend would be asleep. Hansol had been increasingly tired these days, and Dr. Lee had told them it was probably from the radiation he had been treated with.

Hansol looks up from where he was looking at his phone, tears welling up in his eyes and falling down his face. He walks quickly towards Hansol’s bed.

“Another headache? We can ask Dr. Lee to bring a couple painkillers in but you’ve had a few today so I don't think he'll let-”

“Hyung, I’m scared,” Hansol’s looking up at him, and Seungkwan’s heart breaks a little. He looks so lost, so small, almost like a little child who can’t find his mother. Seungkwan knows what his boyfriend has lost, and it isn't his mom. Hansol lost hope. It's written in the streaks running down his cheeks and the frown set on his face and the older boy doesn't know how to erase all of it.

“What of, Sollie?”

“I really don’t- I don’t want to die, Seungkwan.”

Now there’s tears in Seungkwan’s eyes as well. He blinks them away quickly. This isn’t the moment.

“Would you,” Hansol stops, seemingly in thought. “Sing me something, maybe?”

“Of course, anything for you,” Seungkwan replies, dorcing a smile onto his face. “What would you like me to sing for you?”

“The one you used to sing when I couldn’t sleep when we were smaller,” Hansol smiles, “remember?”

“Of course I do.” Seungkwan clears his throat, smiling back, albeit a little strangled, and takes his boyfriend’s hand in his as he starts singing softly.

_To you in the distant future_

_Without any regrets_

_I always wanna wait_

_That way my heart will be at ease_

_Although you lose your way, though it’ll take you long_

_While you’re going ‘round and ‘round, but it’s fine if you find me again_

_Even if it’s far ahead in the future_

Hansol falls asleep shortly after. Seungkwan leaves a kiss on the other’s forehead before whispering a quick _I love you_ and heading to his own bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what do yall think about the texting part?? personally i think it's better??  
> the song seungkwan is singing is Pinwheel! the translation is from [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=de5-OlRuGhY) video and i tweaked a few things to make it sound better
> 
> yell at me on twitter: @minyoonslay


	9. viii. month two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh i'm so sorry for the late chapter :(  
> i've been in a writing slump lately but today i got really inspired and wrote this in a couple of hours and edited it just for you all <3  
> i hope you enjoy!

▶ _ week one _

_ December 2nd, 2017. _

_ 15:22 _

“Hyung, would you do me a favour and get me something from the vending machine?”

Hansol’s request is a strange one for two reasons; one, Seungkwan hasn’t left his side for the last week or so, has changed inside the bathroom connected to his boyfriend’s room, asked the nurses to bring food in, and probably hasn’t taken showers that are longer than five minutes, all for fear of something happening to Hansol while he's gone, and two, the only vending machine that works is the one at the other end of the hospital, and it’d probably take Seungkwan at least ten minutes just to get there, without including the apparently neverending queue of staff and other patients always waiting to use it.

“You know that’s at the other end of the building, Sol. I can ask one of your nurses to get you water or something if you want to eat-”

“Seungkwan-hyung, just- please. I need a few minutes alone.” Hansol’s face is set in stone, but his hands are shaking, and Seungkwan feels his resolve crumble.

“Fine, Sol. But you’re eating all of it when I get back.”

“Of course, hyung. I love you.”   
“Love you too, Sol. I’ll be right back.”

When Seungkwan comes back, Hansol’s eyes are rimmed red and puffy. He eats half of the small packet of chips and a few sips of water before he claims he’s full and turns on his bed to take a nap. Seungkwan lets it go.

▶ _ week two _

_ December 7th, 2017. _

_ 20:43 _

If eating half a bag of chips was little, Hansol’s close to eating nothing by week two. Seungkwan tries to feed Hansol small spoonfuls of whatever food he gets that day, and by the next hour, the younger boy will be vomiting whatever he ate right up.

By the end of the week, Hansol isn’t eating more than a fourth of his bowl of rice. He gets wheeled into another operating room and comes out with a new tube connected to his body. 

Seungkwan still takes the task of feeding his boyfriend. It takes them a couple of tries to get it right, and Hansol pukes the first few times he watches the yellow liquid coming out of his own stomach, but they get used to it.

Hansol doesn’t get to eat anymore.

▶ _ week three _

_ December 12th, 2017. _

_ 18:13 _

“Hyung- I- something’s not good.”

They had been watching the TV, Hansol’s eyes focusing and unfocusing lazily on the images on the screen and Seungkwan on his phone texting before the younger had sat up on his bed, looking at his hands like they were new to him.

“What do you mean, Hansol?” Seungkwan replies, a bit confused because of his boyfriend’s choice of words.

“Doctor.” Hansol looks at him, eyes moving around the room, searching, and Seungkwan takes no time on pressing the button next to his bed.

\----

“Speak- forget-” Hansol looks _so lost_ , eyes moving rapidly, his breathing coming in short laboured puffs and sweat running down his forehead.

“Hansol, I need you to calm down for me, okay?” Dr. Lee moves towards him quickly as soon as he’s in the room, resting his hand on the youngers’ shoulder.

“Can’t…” 

“It’s hard to talk, right? It’s okay, Hansol, breathe- yeah, that’s good,” the doctors’ voice is sweet and calming, and it helps Hansol breathe normally and lay back into his bed. Seungkwan listens as the older man explains carefully what happened, his voice slower and more comforting than usual.

_Speech problems._ A common side effect. The tumor was growing. _You’ll have to speak slowly, Seungkwan. He’s going to have more trouble getting to understand you._

\----

Some days,  _ good days,  _ Hansol will speak like he did before he was sick, with jokes and stupid phrases in between his words, and Seungkwan will think naively that it’s all fine, that Hansol’s getting better.

But then, some days, _most days,_ it’ll take him a few minutes to understand that Seungkwan had asked him if he wanted water or not, and he’ll forget words like  _ cold  _ or  _ hungry,  _ and Seungkwan will know. 

Hansol doesn’t have much time left.

▶ _ week four _

_ December 24th,  _

_ 18:52 _

“Gift.”

There’s a bundle of pale pink in Hansol’s arms, folded haphazardly and tied with a red ribbon. 

“For me?” Seungkwan asks, softly.

“Chri-mas?” Hansol’s eyebrows furrow slightly, his outstretched arms slumping a little.

“Yeah, Christmas,” Seungkwan replies, slowly. “Christmas.”

“Christmas,” Hansol says, although a little jumbled and confused.

Seungkwan takes the gift from Hansol’s hands and unwraps it carefully. He had an idea of what the fabric was before unwrapping, and his assumpions had been right. It’s Hansol’s hoodie, one that Seungkwan used to steal from him all the time. It was unnecessarily big, both on him and his boyfriend, but it smelt like Hansol’s cologne, so undoubltedly home that the older boy bites back tears. Seungkwan wraps himself in it, and then carefully around the other boy, Hansol’s arms wrapping around his waist like muscle memory.

_ It’s fine,  _ Seungkwan thinks,  _ if Hansol doesn’t remember a lot. I’ll remember this feeling forever. _

“Merry Christmas, Sol.”

▶ _ week five _

_ December 31st, 2017. _

_ 22:34 _

Seungkwan and Hansol had both agreed on watching the New Year show on TV, but when the older boy had walked back into the room, clad in his pijamas and pink hoodie, Hansol hadn’t yet turned on the machine.

“Did you lose the control again? Last time it was on your bedside table-” Seungkwan realizes the control is actually in Hansol’s grasp, but his boyfriend is looking at it as if it were the first time he had touched it.

“Don’t remember,” Hansol starts, “how to turn it on.”

Seungkwan’s heart drops.

“Here, you push this button right here- yeah, just like that, see?” Seungkwan smiles calmly as the screen comes to life, but Hansol’s simply looking at his hands, defeated.

“Am I- forgetting?” Hansol asks, slowly.

“No, you aren’t, Sol. Sometimes I forget stuff like that too.” Lies. Seungkwan hasn’t ever forgotten which door leads to where, or how to turn on his phone or TV, damn it. Hansol has forgotten all of that in the last week, and the younger boy knows it.

“Hyung, I’m not going to forget  _ you _ , right?”

The doctor had said it was a possibility. Forgetting family and close friends.

Seungkwan’s silence is enough of an answer. Hansol’s breathing gets erratic. The older boy can hear the muted sounds from the television, and he turns to turn it off before going back to his boyfriend’s bed, taking Hansol’s hands in his own.

“Hey, Hansol, it’s fine, I’m here everyday, you’re not going to forget me-”

“But what if I do, Seungkwan? What if I wake up one day and I don’t know who you are and I forget about you? About the guys?”

“I- I don’t know, Sol.” Seungkwan replies. “But i’ll be here all the same, okay? Whether you remember me-us or you don’t, i’ll be here.”

They don’t watch the fireworks, or count down the seconds to the new year.

They have a countdown of their own to worry about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, thanks for reading!  
> i'm pretty proud with how this chapter turned out so let me know what you think!  
> come yell on [twitter](https://twitter.com/minyoonslay): @minyoonslay


	10. ix. month three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so so so so sorry for the long wait, especially since this chapter is so short :( i'm working on the next one for you all so enjoy!

_ January 4th, 2018. _

_ 15:30 _

“Seungkwannie.” The older boy raises his head lazily from where it was resting against his pillows to look at his boyfriend.

“That’s Seungkwan- _ hyung  _ to you, brat.” He throws a smirk towards the younger, to which Hansol replies with a small smile of his own. “What is it, Sol?”

“It’s been three months already,” Hansol says, hands fiddling in his lap, “from today on, we’re in negative days.”

And- yeah.

Today marks the last day of Hansol’s life expectancy. The older of the won’t admit it, but he’s been dreading this day for the past month.

Seungkwan gets up from his bed, walks toward the other boy, plops himself down half-heartedly on the chair next to the younger’s bed.

“Yeah, Hansol, I know.”

“What are we going to do, hyung?”

“I- don’t know about that, Sol. I’m still trying to figure that one out.”

\----

_ January 16th, 2018. _

_ Seungkwan’s Birthday. _

_ 17:12 _

Hansol didn’t take his pills. Not in the morning, or after lunch, or right now.

“Sol, don’t be an idiot, I can tell you’re in pain, just take your medicine,” Seungkwan says, tiredly rubbing his eyes.

“No.” Hansol replies, arms are crossed in front of him, face set in stone, although the crease of his brows was a clear indicator that he was hurting.

“I really don’t want to argue right now, just- take them.” 

“No.”

“Hansol, it’s my birthday! Please, make it a little easier for me and take your goddamn pills!” Seungkwan tries to control his voice, both in volume and speed, especially since he knows the younger of the two has  had a hard time understanding sentences lately, plus he’s been sensitive to sounds, and without his daily medicine, his head must be hurting horribly.

“I don’t wanna fall asleep,” Hansol pouts. “Birthday. Awake.”

Seungkwan exhales a breath, shoulders sagging and feet taking him to Hansol’s bed. He runs his hand delicately through the other’s hair. Hansol leans into his touch.

“Sol, you know it’s not good for you to not take your pills. I don’t care if you fall asleep on me, I don’t want you to be in pain, okay?” Seungkwan says. He walks towards the table and carefully picks up the various pills Hansol didn’t take, and fills up a glass with water to take back to his boyfriend. Even though Hansol has his feeding tube, he still prefers swallowing his pills himself. Seungkwan only relaxes once he sees Hansol finishing up, the other boy nodding so as to say that he’s fine. 

“Hyung,” Hansol says after Seungkwan has sat himself back next to him.

“Hmm?”

“Sorry- ruin- birth- birth-” Hansol’s eyebrows furrow again and he sighs, defeated.

“You didn’t ruin anything, Sollie. I’m okay, see?” Seungkwan’s hand goes back to rubbing small circles on Hansol’s head, “Go to sleep, hyung’s going to be right here once you wake up.”

_ But what if tomorrow, I'm here and you aren’t? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> talk to me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/minyoonslay): @minyoonslay


	11. x. month four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> helloo! it's been a while hhh  
> i'm sorry for the wait, and again this is a short-ish chapter :(  
> next one is already on its way so don't worry, it'll be up soon!

_February 18th, 2018._

Hansol sleeps through his birthday breakfast, and his lunch, and his dinner. He only wakes up to call Seokmin on the phone to congratulate him, but can only take talking for a couple of minutes before he’s exhausted and hangs up the call.

It’s all white. The only splashes of color he notices are the deflated balloons that wish him a speedy recovery, and Seungkwan wrapped in the pink sweater Hansol had given him last christmas. Not that he can recall the names of the colors either way.

Between nightmares of not waking up, he can almost hear Seungkwan singing ‘Happy Birthday’ softly to him.

\--- ☾ ---

“Hey, Hansol, you gotta wake up now, it’s nearing 2 pm-”

“Sol?”

“Hansol, come on, get up-”

“Hansol!”

\--- ☾ ---

 

 _coma (n):_ a prolonged state of deep unconsciousness, caused especially by severe injury or illness. **  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry ;;  
> see you soon <3


	12. it's been a while

hello, darlings!

it's been a while, hasn't it? i've missed you uwu

i've been very very busy this year with school and other terrible stuff, and i've got some bad news for those of you who still follow this story :(

if you remember, this story is heavily based off a tumblr post, and i've asked the author if i had right to write something on it, and sadly, they said no :(

if you all would like to, i'd love to rewrite the basic plot of the story so i can continue (and hopefully one day get to finish it)

on the other side, i've got plenty more ideas from where that one came from, and i am getting out from school in very little time, so i'll hopefully have new stories to write for all of you uwu

see you all very soon!


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